Am I not gay at church?

For the past 3 Wednesday's, I've been going to the new member orientation at the United Church of Christ in Holladay (their website sucks--I should ask if I could fix it for them). Anyway, tonight was the last night and we sat in a circle and had to say something about ourselves; although we've introduced ourselves before, it was the first time the Pastor was with us. The first two men who talked about themselves took forever, practically giving their life stories. When I went third, I said, "Hi, my name is Jesse Michael Nix. I was born in Salt Lake City but grew up in Dallas, Texas. I went to BYU for 2 years with my best friend and when he left to go on a mission, I left to come to the University of Utah where I will be graduating in May. And that's me."

I deliberately made it short because I didn't want to make the whole group suffer again. After I was done, someone asked me a follow up question as to why I left BYU. I fumbled on my answer and basically said that I didn't want to go anymore. Another person asked me what I was majoring in; when I told him Political Science, he said, "So, do you have opinions on everything?" Megan, who was also there, interjected and said "Ask him what he thinks about the privatization of social security." Megan was being funny because I do believe that Social Security should be privatized and am also a Democrat.

When it was Megan's turn, she told everyone a simplified version of her life and left out one important detail--her daughter Mckenna. The meeting went on and was soon ended with a prayer. After the event, Megan and I went to Wendy's for dinner and talked about why she doesn't want to run for county party chair anymore (I'll write about that later). Since a new episode of West Wing was on tonight, I invited her over to watch it.

When the West Wing ended, Megan and I sat on our couch just talking about everything. I asked her why she didn't mention Mckenna at church introductions to which she immediately responded, "Why didn't you tell people you were gay?" I was so happy that we were on the same wave length.

I often wonder why I don't tell people that I'm gay, or hide the fact about it, or even get mad when people find out and say, "I totally knew." I've never experienced discrimination because of it, I've never lost a friend over it, and I've never been treated differently by a person once they've found out--yet I still don't open up about it voluntarily. If people ask, I will always tell them because I'm not ashamed of it, and yet that's the issue. It's something I'm not ashamed of but I don't like telling people about it. At church, I could have told everyone the real reason that I left BYU was because they found out I was gay and asked me to take certain actions or I would have to leave. I chose to leave because trying to "fix" a problem that I know isn't a problem didn't sit too well with me.

It's kind of funny because I've gotten mad at Brian for introducing me at times as his "friend" when obviously I am so much more than that. When he started working at GameCrazy, he introduced me that way because, as he says, "wanted to test the waters to see if people would be okay with it." Lambasting his reason, I told him that he shouldn't have to test the waters--he's gay and people must deal with that. If they don't like him because of it, it's their fault. I sound like a hypocrite, don't I? I always introduce Brian as my boyfriend (sometimes partner--another story that I will write about later) and don't care about the consequences, but I don't freely talk about being gay to individuals or groups. I'll have to search deeper for a reason.