Being Upset Sucks II
I've felt sick to my stomach since that conversation with Brian on Monday. I was so upset that I couldn't cuddle with him as we fell asleep last night. On Monday, I went to bed by myself as he played video games. Last night, when he got home, I really didn't say much to him and we watched TV in silence, with me in a blanket on one side of the couch and he on the other. As we laid in bed, he suddenly got up and said he was going to sleep on the couch and let me sleep on the bed. I told him no and convinced him to sleep in bed with me, though the rest of the night we didn't touch at all.
I wished we had talked last night, but he didn't say anything. Does he not care? I don't want to bring it up because I don't want to talk about the issues at hand.
This morning, I succumbed to my feelings and cuddled with him. It felt so good, but I knew it wouldn't last long. I went to work and said what I said yesterday morning: "Goodbye Brian." Usually, it's "I love you, see you later" or "See ya sweetheart, I love you." I guess I wanted to hear what "goodbye Brian" sounded like and I hate it--but I make myself say it.
I'm not ready to give up on our relationship, but I feel like it's the only thing to do. Our lease is up in June and I'm thinking about my plans after that. I don't want to break up, and I'd sacrifice getting married so I could be with Brian, but I don't think I could be the husband/boyfriend/partner that follows him wherever he goes and I clean the house. I will sacrifice some things for him...I wish he'd do the same.
I have to talk to him about how I feel, but I'm afraid of the results. We should go to counseling to resolve this problem. Our relationship isn't disintegrated to the point of no return and we can save it now; we just have to do the right things right now.
posted by Jesse @ Wednesday, March 30, 2005
1 comments
1 Comments:
Hey there.
I see your in a bad way today, ive been coming to check on you daily. I can only give you advice that I have worked with myself.
Saving a relationship takes (TWO)people. It seems that from your writing, i mean, that things are strained, if you are sleeping in separate spaces, and your daily routine is changing and the way things used to be are not anymore.
You ARE NOT a failure.
It took me YEARS of abuse and addiction to get me where I am at age 37. I started this last run in 2002 when i moved to Canada. You will find the path, Look for people with pieces of your roadmap.
If you think that saving your relationship with Brian is Possible then I wish you all the strength in the world. But to save you, i will say, if he is not willing to commit to change and to make things better, I fear that you may have to find your way alone, for a little while, but some of us out here can try and give you solid guidance. At least I will.
DO NOT give up and DO NOT give in to people and places.
WE are POWERLESS over people, places and things.
BE genuine my friend and Be yourself. Your honesty will get you more than an act or a mask.
I am saddened by your latest entires and I hope that you will find your way. You can always email me privately and I will try and help you walk your path so you are not alone. It seems that I am the only gay man out here commenting on your blog And I am here. And I am reading.
We are suppose to help each other if we know parts of the roadmap, it is the right thing to do. So i offer my vision if you have none right now.
I suggest if you do not know where you are going that you
(1)Stop
(2)take stock of your surroundings (3)look at your map and
(4)make a decision, and stick to that decision.
Dont make another move until you know where you are going.
Write !!!
Keep writing !!!
And Ask your questions.
Peace,
Jeremy
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