Being Upset Sucks

I'm mad right now. Maybe not "mad" per se, just upset. You know the feeling that you have when things aren't going the way you want them to and you just want to go home and watch old episodes of West Wing? Yeah, that's how I feel. I think it comes down to one reason why I'm generally upset.

The reason is related to a conversation Brian and I had yesterday while we were doing laundry together. I brought up the topic of marriage to Brian and asked if we were ever going to get married. We've been together for 2 years and I think it's time to talk about it. Brian said, "Yes," so I asked when. He told me he didn't know.

I don't think Brian has ever been comfortable talking about getting married and frankly, it's always worried me. Since I was a kid, I always imagined myself dating someone for about a year and then getting married. When Brian asked me to move in with him last year, I immediately told him no because I never imagined myself doing that. I told him then that I wanted to wait until I was married to move in with him; it took me some serious consideration to decide to move in with him without a ring on my finger. Now that we've done that for over a year, I think it's time that we tie the knot.

I know it's not technically legal for Brian and I to marry, but I don't care. I do not need the government to sanction my relationship with Brian. I once asked Mom why she married Dad and she said, "Love." Exactly, I told her, because people don't get married for the legal rights--they get married because they love each other and want to show that love to everyone they know.

I see things in black and white (mostly) and I see romantic relationships in that way. People are either single or married. Currently, I'm a single gay man who is dating someone. Until I get married, I do not have the permanency that my parents have--and I think that is exactly why Brian doesn't want to get married to me.

After Brian said that he wanted to get married to me but not anytime soon, my thoughts immediately went to Dr. Laura and a caller to her show. The caller was a woman who had been with her boyfriend for 4 years. She wanted to get married but her boyfriend didn't want to. Dr. Laura told her to dump his non-committing butt for someone who has the same goal of permanency as her. While Brian and I have only been together for 2 years, we've lived together for the past year. I'm as permanent as I'm going to get, but Brian isn't.

When Brian finally opened up to tell me why he didn't want to marry me, he said it was because I don't know what my goals are. He told me that I constantly switch career plans, from EMT to doctor to lawyer to teacher to FEMA director to FBI agent to Senator. He sees himself as picking a company and working the corporate ladder to get to the top. He said that when I go to law school next year, we may or may not stay together because of where I want to go and how that fits in with his career plans. (When he said that, he really hurt my feelings but I didn't let on too much--I could have just left the room and cried). He said that sometimes he feels that we should break up so I can "find myself" (like I said in a previous post) before I settle down with him. He fears that someday, I'll regret "wasting" my early 20's by being in a relationship and resenting him for all the things I could have done.

I can see where he's coming from. I've said here and said to him that I don't know what the future holds for me. Last night, I told him a story. I'm on one side of the river trying to get to the other dry side. As I step on certain stones to prevent getting wet, I don't know which step is next. I know exactly where I'm going but I don't know which stones I'm going to step on to get there. My future is exactly like that. My goals guide me across the river, but every step I take will be determined by my last step. I'm eventually going to get across, but I want the crossing to be worthwhile. He used my example and said his stones basically form a bridge. He can see all the stones in a straight line and knows what his next step will be.

While my future is uncertain, one thing I know is that I want to share the rest of my life with Brian. I want to get married so that when I have to decide which law school to go to next year and Brian decides to take a District Manager job, we make those decisions together. Brian is exactly the opposite: he doesn't want to get married because it will be easier to break up if my law school and his job aren't compatible. He sees us as two separate people with differing goals, and I see us as one unit that works together to achieve our goals.

When Brian asked why he should sacrifice his job so I can pick what law school I wanted to go to, I corrected him and said we would pick what law school I should go to. Yes, if Brian was offered a District Manager job at GameCrazy, I want him to follow me. The reason I see this as okay is because a DM job will come again for him, but the opportunity for me to go to the law school I want will not. If Brian does follow me and makes a sacrifice, I will return the favor and follow him after law school wherever he needs to go. I don't think Brian believed me when I told him that.

I really want a sense of permanency with Brian and I'm tempted to end it now so I can find someone who also wants that with me. The only problem with that is I know I would never find as someone as wonderful as him, so any other person would be a second-tier candidate. If it happened, I know the biggest regret of my life would be a life without Brian. It's a double edged sword- Brian doesn't want to get married because he things I'll regret my decision, but I'm tempted to end it knowing that I will regret my decision.

Why can't I just live happily ever after with my prince?