Mirror Mirror on the Wall, Is He Not Perfect After All?

I wonder if I should write about the problems Brian and I have in our relationship. I've always been a "picture perfect" person: I want people to think I'm always in a good mood, always friendly, and I'm in a great relationship without problems. Appearances are very important to me so its very hard for me to write about them here. I'm letting everyone know that I'm not always in a good mood, sometimes depressed, angry at people, and that Brian and I have problems. As I write this, I'm tempted to press the backspace key.

I came across this blog entry a week ago and have thought about it almost everyday since. I used to hang out with a bad group of people who owned a house in Provo (that we called the "GH" or the "Gay House"); it was when I first came out at BYU and they were the only gay people I knew. It was a group that I would have been better off by not hanging out with them. We would have parties that lasted until 7am, lots of drinking (though I didn't drink at that time), and there was always someone having sex in one of the bedrooms at this house. We probably, actually, I know we were rude to people and didn't care. When I left Provo to live with my grandparents, I stopped hanging out with these terrible people (there were some nice people there, but overwhelmingly they were losers).

The blog entry was written by someone that I didn't know very well; I knew his name and now I say "hi" when I see him, but I never was close to him. Here's what he wrote:

Lately, I’ve felt like I’ve been playing all sorts of games. Now, it seems, I’ve entered into too many competitions and I have nothing left to do but throw in the ropes, or allow my can to be kicked.

A certain Provoan from my past certainly deserves my respect. Years ago, I had this group of “friends” from Provo, Utah that I later nicknamed the “Provoans”. They were a rotten group of individuals that often reminded me of Mad TV’s sketch of “Gay Boy’s”. Every aspect of this group was a cliché of trash.

Since I’ve known them, I’ve somehow felt like I would always be “above” them. I was certain; they were drug addicts who often toured the jails and were found wandering clubs with messy monkey hair. In my opinion, I had already won the game.

While I was browsing online today, I found one of the original “Provoans”. He had a super Blog, and a beautiful boyfriend. He was excelling in his education and he wrote about real things; like Michael Moore and the Republican Party.

Why do I feel so bummed out that he made it? I shouldn’t; I know that. I’ll even admit I had a crush on this one. Maybe I’m jealous? Maybe I’m mad that we aren’t friends? Maybe I’m mad that I’m not his boyfriend? Too many questions, and not enough answers.

When I read this, I laughed when he called that old group of friends losers, was taken aback when he wrote about this blog and Brian, and intrigued that he thinks I made it but he didn't. I don't usually hear people say good things about me (not that they say bad things--people just usually don't really tell me what they think of me) and it was interesting to see it written somewhere. At first, I was full of pride that he thought that I had all the answers, but dismayed when I realized he's judging me based on the fact I've been dating my "beautiful boyfriend" for 2 years.

I feel bummed out that someone thinks I've made it when I'm no where near "making it." This guy put me on a pedestal that I don't deserve, probably never will deserve, and now I get mildly upset when I read it. I want to be that person he writes about, the guy who has everything and life is perfect for.