Perfect Eyebrows and Boot-cut Jeans

I am about to go to bed, but I had to write down everything I'm thinking about. Tonight was an interesting night because of the way I'm looking at the experiences I have with others and my own reaction to them. I'm trying to study myself by looking at who I am when I interact with others, who I interact with, and what I'm thinking about during the day.

My Brian

I miss him alot. He's been going to Cedar City for the past month on weekdays, coming home on the weekends. At first, it was no big deal--I lived like a bachelor and enjoyed not showering, eating whatever I wanted, and playing video games. But I'm sick of it. I want my boyfriend to come home from work, tell me about his day as we make dinner, and watch 24 or CSI while cuddling on the couch. I miss going to sleep next to him as he falls asleep and his body twitches, or as he rubs my back and runs his hands though my hair as I drift away. I miss waking up with our feet entangled and my arms wrapped around him. I miss getting ready for school and kissing him goodbye as I leave and he's still sleeping in our bed. I miss the kisses he gives me, his laugh, his smile, his scruffy face, his silliness, and the entire man he is. I miss the way he makes me feel about myself, how he makes me feel special, how he makes me feel like I'm the center of his universe, and how much I know he loves me. He's the most wonderful thing in my life and I miss him so very much. I can't wait to see him tomorrow.

My Personality

Tonight Josh Moon invited me to play Settlers of Catan with Jed and a guy named Treven (sp?). The night reminded me of the games Mom, Jenny, Russell and I would play late into the night during Christmas break. Anyway, during the game (which I enjoyed playing), I wondered if I was being weird, too aggressive, offensive, etc. At work today, I knew I was being weird today. I sang songs, danced, and called some of my co-workers fat in a jovial way. At work, people know how I am and have come to expect me to act wildly and fun; tonight, I didn't know which the line was in which I could act like I do at work. (It sounds weird that I act weird at work, because that is who I am, and I don't feel comfortable doing it in my personal life). It's probably because I'm just getting to know Jed and Josh, but still. I know I act differently with different people, but should I?

Life Changes

Since the new semester started, I've been going to bed at 10pm Monday through Friday (like George W. Bush) and waking up at 7am. From Tuesday through Thursday, I come home at 9pm, eat dinner, and then Brian usually puts me to bed so he can play video games until 2am (at least when he is here). On weekends, I hang out with a person one night and spend one night with Brian. I go to school, go to work, eat, poop, and go to sleep.

Tonight was different. I went over to J&J's house at 9pm and just got home at 2am. We played a game, then went to the Village Inn where I watched Josh and Treven (Jed had to go to sleep) eat and enjoyed my water diet. We talked about having kids, growing up in Texas, the night before I went to BYU, my affair with Ricky Gay, and the story of me leaving BYU. I also saw Tanya Ricks there in her green St. Patrick's Day beads. As I said hi to her, I thought of the time that she, Tanner, Cody and I got naked and ran around the house at 1775 Kensington. She asked how I was and I said that basically my life is boring. Ever since that moment, the changes that I've gone through, these big changes, have been on my mind. I partied when I had my roommates; now I hardly ever go out. I used to make new friends all the time; now I have to try hard to find them. My life is drastically different than it was in the past, and to tell the truth, I really miss it. Going to Village Inn at 12:30am reminded me of going to the IHOP at BYU and the fun I had doing it. Tonight reminded me of my youth (yes, I'm 21 but I feel like I'm going on 40), a time when I had so much fun all the time.

I mentioned this to Josh and he said that it was because I was settling down. That caused Treven, who recently broke up with his partner of 4.5 years, to say that he wasted his "party years" (early 20's). As he started talking about his, the song "Changes" started to play over the Village Inn PA system. It was a surreal moment that I made sure to remember.

My Relationship and my Age

As I've said in the past, I would never recommend getting into a relationship at a young age. Most people do not know who they are or even what they want in their early 20's; I used to think I wasn't one of those people but am finding out that I am. I really do not know who I am and must find myself one way or another. After Treven related that his partner was younger than him and made some comments related to the breakup, I concluded that his partner didn't want to be "tied down." I wonder if getting together with Brian when I was 19 is a mistake, something that I may someday regret. I wonder if Brian and I will end our relationship in a couple of years because I'm not ready for a long-term relationship or I haven't found myself yet.

But that's crap. I love Brian so much; he's one of the best parts of my life. I look at Josh and Jed and see a beautiful, romantic, and successful relationship (I know I've only seen them together twice, but I'm going to make those assumptions). Both of them seem to know what they want and their plans include each other. My future plans include Brian, but I'm scared that in the future my plans will change. I don't' know. Maybe I'm just scared of something that is theoretically possible. When I got with Brian, I knew he was the only man for me for the rest of my life, yet I know life changes and people who were once madly in love end their marriages in bitter divorce. I've never wanted or thought of myself as that kind of person, but you never know.

I'm really scared right now of getting older, growing up, losing loved ones, rejection, failure, and what the future holds for me. I doubt, constantly doubt, my ability to manage my future and cope with the rewards and consequences life has to offer. Will I be ready when good or bad things happen? Can I have joy in a world filled with so much sadness? Do I even want to live in a world where I know my future is uncertain? Tonight helped pose these questions that I'll have to answer soon.