There will be no white flag above my door

As I read yesterday's post, I see how sad and depressed I was. After I wrote it, I went to a Pride Committee Meeting (since I'm now the volunteer coordinator) and spent 2 hours discussing Pride issues. This year's pride is going to be really really fun.

Now, to the issue at hand. Brian and I had the discussion about "us" yesterday. I got home around 8:30pm and found that Brian had already eaten dinner at the Gateway Mall. Since I didn't want to make macaroni & cheese, I asked Brian if he would take me to Burger King. Being the wonderful man that he is, he said yes and even was willing to pay for my meal.

On the way to Burger King, I asked him, "What do you think about us?" His automatic response was "I don't know" but then he opened up. He pointed out many times when I've said, "It would be so much easier if we broke up" or the time that I pretended to break up with him (long story). He told me that he's been thinking alot about us and (to my utter surprise) said that he thinks it would be best if we broke up. I wasn't expecting that answer, so I didn't know what to say. He told me that he's not ready to sacrifice for me or settle down with me. He especially doesn't want to hold me back. He told me that one of the reasons he's most attracted to me is because I have goals that I want to attain and I'm very strong-willed in achieving them. Brian said he doesn't want me to regret being with him and feels like I would resent him when we're older if I don't do what I want now.

As we were returned to our house, I asked him if truly, deep in his heart, if he wanted to break up; he said yes. I didn't know what to think. Sure, I may say sometimes that I want to break up, but I also say lots of other things I don't mean. I truly, deep in my heart, do not want to break up with Brian because he's the world to me and I can't imagine life without him. He's the love of my life and I know I am supposed to be with him for the rest of my life. I was really upset that he didn't feel the same way.

We sat at our table in our apartment and talked more. In the course of talking, I reached for my drink and missed, spilling Hi-C fruit punch all over the table and the floor. It was kind of funny because it really represented how I felt at that moment; everything I had was falling apart. Brian and I started cleaning up the mess...maybe it was God's way of telling me everything is going to be okay. After we cleaned, Matt Limpede called me but I didn't pick up. I thought it was also an ironic moment: in the midst of Brian telling me he wants to leave me, the first gay guy I ever told I was gay and did anything sexual with called me. Matt is such an awesome guy; he left a message and said that he had read my blog and wanted to talk. I"m so going to keep him as a friend because he's amazing. You can read his blog at matt83matt.blogspot.com.

Anyway, I bluntly asked him how this would work. Would I move out in June or leave tomorrow? What do we tell my parents who are going to visit in May for my graduation? When I said that, he said that he thinks I'm in a relationship only because I like the idea of a relationship and like having the appearance of being in one. I told him he was wrong, especially about the appearances. If I wanted to look good, would I be writing on my blog right now, talking about the problems that we have? And yes, I did admit I like the idea of being in a relationship, but not to the point that I'd stay just for appearances.

I then got angry. I was mad at Brian because I felt like he didn't love me as much as I love him. He was willing to break up with me, but I wasn't willing to break up with him. I asked him what he'd do if I didn't go to law school--he said he'd break up with me. So basically, if I don't sacrifice what I want, he'll break up with me; if I do sacrifice what I want, he'll break up with me. I'm in a lose-lose situation. I told Brian that I'd kill him if he broke up with me; yes, it was just an oft repeated phrase, but it would be hard not to... =)

As we kept talking, I still couldn't believe that we were breaking up. For really emotional things in my life, I usually go through a denial stage, then an anger stage, then a sadness and cry stage. I kept saying to myself, "This isn't real!"

I told Brian that I didn't want to break up and the only thing I wanted to do at that moment was to kiss him. He started crying and I asked him if he really wanted to break up; he said he didn't know. We talked about going to counseling to resolve some of these issues that both of us have with each other. We ended the conversation with us hugging each other, and I held Brian so closely. I love him so much and I never want to lose him.

We went to get our dried laundry, threw it on the floor, and went to bed cuddling that night. Brian was really tired since last night he woke up every 30 minutes in distress; he was really worried about us.

I truly hope things work out between us; I have a feeling they will. Since my first date with Brian, I've known he is the man for me, my soulmate, the love of my life that I will grow old with. Brian came into my life exactly when I needed him, a time when I was at a crossroads in terms of who I was going to become. He helped form some of the values I have today than make me better than I was when I first met him. I sometimes hear older people say to their partners, "I love you more today than when we first met." I finally understand the concept of growing love--the idea that falling in love is the first step but staying in love is a lifelong journey, one where partners hold hands and travail the arduous storms together. My love for Brian will continue to grow; I know we can do it together.

I will go down with this ship

And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
-Dido, "White Flag"