What is my motivation?

I'm in a lose-lose situation as my friend Brittney calls it. My dilemma lies within the purpose of this blog and the intended audience. My first entry to my blog said, "This is the first post. I've decided that I write more when I type, so I'm transferring my journal here. Sure, everyone can read it, but who is really going to read EVERYTHING I write. Are you reading this???..." As I said, this is my journal, my special place where I write down everything I'm thinking. All through high school, I kept a journal and I only a few people have toured its pages. But now everyone can see how I'm feeling, what I'm going, and which celebrity I have a crush on, all things that people shouldn't know. This journal is for me and me only--not for my posterity as I learned in deacon's quorum. I struggle because some people DO read EVERYTHING on my site. I try to be totally honest, and sometimes that honesty gets me in trouble. Do I want to be honest, even to the point that people will think I'm weird or I might hurt someone?

The whole reason I'm thinking about this is due to someone I recently met that I want to get to know better (and I'm not saying who, even though I should, because they will know who they are). I know they read my blog because they've told me. It's hard to write about them because I consciously edit myself, not wanting to write my true feelings because they'll read it. My other concern is that they'll think I'm weird.

Like I was telling Brittney, I like things in big doses. When I find a song I like, I will listen to it over and over, learning the lyrics and enjoying my new favorite song. When I find a really good restaurant, it will be the only restaurant I'll want to go to and I usually order the same thing over and over. Well, to me, meeting new people and becoming friends with them is the same. If I find someone that I really want to get to know or want to be better friends with, I'll want to hang out with them more than they probably want to hang out with me. I always think of Jeff Senior when I think of making new friends. The day after meeting Jeff, we hung out for 4 days straight and did everything together. He was my best friend until I found out that he was into drugs and he had emotional problems. But until then, I had the time of my life (he was the first person I told I was gay).

I was in my LSAT prep class yesterday and something hit me with what the presenter said. We were talking about personal statements and he commented that people have many layers. The first thought I had was, "Where are my layers?" I don't consider myself a deep person and don't know how to find my layers. A large portion of why I write in my blog is to explore who I am and find those deeper layers, but do I really want anyone with access to the internet to take that journey with me?

I know people read it, people close to me and people who are just getting to know me, but I am the audience of my blog. If people want to see it and judge me from it, then they can. But I will continue to be absolutely honest, even if I get judged. I just hope people will realize how alike we really are to each other, discover how similar our fears, loves and wants are, and embrace them.