The Stress of Failure

I'm feeling like a failure. I feel like I'm failing everything in my life. Not to keep talking about depressing things (as some of the last entries have been), I just need to keep venting. I had a test like 3 weeks ago in my Intro to IR class and we got our tests back yesterday (the TA is annoying because he takes so long to give tests back). I was expecting a reasonable grade, but the 75 in the blue book made me cringe. This semester has really sucked for me, most likely because I haven't been studying. Is it "senioritis"? I don't think so. I think it's a lack of motivation toward anything important. My whole time at the U I've gotten A's in all my classes (save 2), but this semester will bring me down. My current GPA is 3.775. To graduate cum laude, I have to get a 3.78, something I won't be able to do anymore because of this semester. I really don't like school right now.

Megan just asked me to help her put stickers on her water bottles and when I said I would, she said, "you are so wonderful. you know that don't you?" While the statement is simple, it really made me feel good about myself. I wish Brian did more of that. I usually have to ask, "do you think I'm cute", "do you think this is good?", "do you think ____" etc, to get a compliment out of him. I find myself always complimenting him on things, yet I don't feel it being reciprocated. While he's not that type of person, I always compliment people on things because I know how much people like it.

One of the blogs I read is by a guy named Toby in Washington D.C. I was browsing his archives and came across this statement that exactly describes how I feel. I'm glad I'm not the only one.

So the tears started pouring and didn't really end until we parked in the lot of an outlet mall and talked things through. Basically, I'm not happy with my internship in public relations, I don't know what I want to do as a career, I look into the future and see a total blank, I have no idea where I'm going to live, I'm afraid I won't make any money, I'm not confident and I feel like I've learned absolutely nothing from the past four years.

And at the same time, I feel hugely talented, that I'm destined for great things. Or at least for happiness. But I don't even know how to go about finding a job. So anyway, if I've been a cranky b**** to you lately, this is why. I know there is no excuse, but I'm under a huge amount of stress right now.