Time's Cover story on gays teens

Time Magazine's cover story on Gay Teens brought me back to coming out to myself and my parents. The article, which really contrasts those gay kids who have a hard time with those that don't, is a really good overview of what gay teens are experiencing now.

The hardest time for me was growing up thinking that I was going to go to hell and having homosexual feelings was as bad as fornication, adultery, or murder. One of the hardest moments for me was going over to Chris Hathaway's house and his mom saying, "Ew! Ew! Don't even talk about homosexuals." Lots of the Mormon books we had talked about how bad homosexuality was, and for a young kid like me, I thought every thought I had about being gay was a thought that brought me closer to Hell.

Below are journal entries describing coming out to my parents for the first time. Keep in mind that I never did anything of a homosexual nature, but I thought feelings were sin enough.

Saturday, April 10, 1999

I found an empty room [in the Mormon church], shut the door, and for 20 minutes cried like I never have cried before. I was bawling and bawling like a baby. I was afraid someone was going to walk in. I had gum in my mouth and even swallowed it because I was so emotionally distraught. I cried and cried until there were no more tears, and then cried some more. I felt like a sissy boy. But that I really wanted from someone, ANYONE, was a hug. I felt so alone and depressed. I was kneeling on the floor and was praying the whole time. I said my prayer outloud. When I said my prayer, I prayed for God to take the bad part of me away, and started crying again. I don't know what is wrong with me... My soul is racked with emotional pain from my sins, thoughts that I have, and feelings inside me.

Sunday, April 11, 1999

I plainly told [my LDS Bishop]. It was so degrading. I felt like crap. I had never told anyone this (but I'm glad the 1st person was the bishop.) He told me that he knew for about 3 months, but he wanted me to come to him. I couldn't believe that he knew. He gave me some council and said I would be fine in six months if I did everything he told me. He told me that 4 people would have to help me. Him, my parents, a professional counselor, and the Savior. My heart sand as he said the words "professional counselor." I knew this would happen, but he actually said it. He told me that seeking professional help was OK and not for nuts...

Then he said what killed me most- that my parents would have to know. I wanted to just burst out in tears. My parents! This was embarrassing enough telling the Bishop--but my parents!!! He called my parents on the phone in his office and had them come...

Well, my parents knocked on the door, and I wasn't ready, but I knew it had to happen. Dad sat down next to me (I sat the closet to the Bishop's desk) and Mom next to him. Dad asked me if I would like to sit between him and Mom, but I declined knowing what was about to happen. We started with an opening prayer. (This reminded me of the last time when my parents sat on my bed and wanted to talk). The Bishop then talked about me... The Bishop said what was the problem. I was so scared and ashamed after he told them. Mom put her head forward and looked at me (which was annoying and embarrassing). Dad then stepped up and I was put in between Mom and Dad. I just started crying like a baby. (Earlier, when I confessed to the bishop, I wanted to cry like a baby. But I did cry, and the Bishop cried with me.) The Bishop explained what needed to happen over the next 6 months for me to fix what needed to be fixed. The spirit was there and it helped all of us in being comforted.

We ended (for what seemed like forever) and I said to mom, "So what's for dinner?" trying to evade what just happened. On the way home, Dad asked if we could stop somewhere and talk for 15 minutes. He stopped by Grapevine lake. They asked me questions and I answered them. It was so weird. A week ago I couldn't do what I was doing then. This morning I couldn't do what I was doing them. But I did...