Apartments and Houses
Brian has been talking about getting a house for the past couple of weeks and recently hired a realtor to help him out. When I got home from the Guadalupe school tonight, Brian showed me some of the houses that his realtor had sent him.
That's when it finally hit me.
Six months after Brian and I had been dating, he asked me to move in with him. I immediately told him no. In addition to being too soon, I'd always wanted to marry someone before I ever lived with them.
When my roommates kicked me out of my house, I moved in with a friend of mine. I didn't want to live with Brian because we weren't married. It wasn't until I stayed at his place every night that I realized that I should just say yes to his previous request. We moved in together in December of 2003--9 months after we started dating.
I'm now having those same feelings of hesitancy with moving into a house with Brian.
Moving into an apartment is very temporary. You have to sign a 1 year/6 month lease. Boyfriend/Girlfriend relationships are more fleeting and apartment living is conducive to that type of relationship.
Moving into a house is very permanent. Marriage is permanent. Married couples move into houses.
I told Brian I really didn't want to move into a house with him unless we're married. He says my reasoning is dumb and doesn't see my point of view. Now I don't know what to do. I compromised when we moved in together and I don't want to compromise again. I've always dreamed of dating someone, getting married, and then moving into a house together. That plan won't happen anymore, but I feel like I should try to stick to it as closely as possible. If Brian and I move into a house, I don't think I'll ever realize the dreams I had for myself.
posted by Jesse @ Monday, November 28, 2005
3 comments
3 Comments:
Do you realize what you just said? As I recall, you guys almost broke up over your lack of goals and the reason he didn't want to marry you back then was because you were so unsure of what you wanted out of life.
You can call yourselves boyfriends all you want but you are no longer boyfriends. Your relationship is much more than that. He is the man you are going to spend the rest of your life with. Deep down, you both know that.
Your thoughts and feelings are just self-defeating. Why can't you both acheive your own dreams together? The beauty of finding your life partner, your one true love, your soulmate is that you get to experience life with him.
Marriage IS permanent but you both made a committment long ago with each other whether you see it that way or not.
Life doesn't have a timetable. It just happens and we have to take what happens and make the best of it. He loves you with every fiber in him, I've seen it. Don't do this. Don't feel like this is the wrong thing to do. It's not.
Also, look down deep inside yourself and talk to him about why you REALLY don't want to move into a house.
Personally, I think it's just because you're afraid of breaking the other speakers or that I won't clean the rest of the wax up. ;0
But if you get married, you'll have to get married to a girl.
Where does that leave Brian? Huh?
No more anonymous eavesdropping...
Here's the deal, Jesse: When it comes to relationships, you need to avoid the expectations trap. Relationships -- and life in general, for that matter -- never unfold according to plan.
You're at a stage in your life when there is considerable uncertainty about what the future will hold. You may find yourself in the uncomfortable position of having to make momentous decisions, and agonize over what the "right" decision is, but you don't have enough life experience to know what's "right."
It's probable that your relationship with Brian will change quite substantially, and in ways you can't now foresee, as time goes by.
It's apparent to me that you're at the point in your relationship where "me" comes up at times when "we" should rule. That's natural; don't worry about it.
I've been in a relationship for 25 years (so, yes, that makes me old enough to be your father -- sorry to freak you out). It took quite a while for the "me" to transform into "we." There were huge, ugly arguments in the early years, as well as nagging, fear-based attitudes that resulted in my keeping my guard up: What happens if this doesn't work out? I'd better not open up too much. I'd better not make myself vulnerable.
Now, my husband (we got married in Vancouver for our 25th anniversary) and I are such complete soulmates that it's always "we."
Will you be with Brian for many, many years to come? Who knows? And it's not something you can trust your gut on: Again, you don't have enough the life experience; certainty is not something you can have right now.
If you decide to move into a house with Brian, then do so with the knowledge that you're embarking on a new adventure that will bring with it valuable life experiences, good and bad. Even if, in the end, things don't work out, then so be it. As the saying goes, it's better to have tried and failed than not to have tried at all.
Aloha,
Dave
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